DADA Teacher
by Mr. Devilson
Summary: Headmaster Potter's experiences with DADA teachers never have been good.
**A/n: This is the first fanfiction I've ever written and English isn't my mother tongue. So sorry if it's not very good.**

 **DADA Teacher**

"Well, Mr. Sorge," Said headmaster Potter. "You want to become our DADA teacher, eh?"

"Yes, headmaster." Said Sorge.

"Your resume is quite impressive," Said Harry as he read Sorge's resume. "But there are some... ah, qualities that you need to have if you want to become a DADA teacher."

"Qualities, sir?" Said Sorge curiously, "May I ask which qualities do you mean?"

"Hmm. Let see..." Said Harry and after opening one of his drawers and finding a parchment, stood up from his chair and walked toward Sorge.

"Good, you don't have a turban." He mumbled and apparently crossed something on the parchment in his hand.

He stood behind the nervous teacher-to-be, and started poking the back of Sorge's head with his index finger.

"Ouch! What are you doing headmaster?" Sorge asked rubbing the back of his head.

Harry after poking him in some other parts of his head again crossed something on the parchment in his hand, and said. "Oh, I was just checking that you don't have a wraith on the back of your head."

"A wraith?" Asked Sorge, totally confused.

"Oh yes, yes! I remember like it was yesterday." Harry said cheerfully. "Professor Quirrell in my first year had the wraith of Voldemort on the back of his head. It was really ugly. Don't know how the poor bastard could stand his face being under that smelly turban all the time."

Sorge didn't know if headmaster Potter was serious or not, but he said nothing.

"Hmm. Tell me, Mr. sorge," Headmaster Potter continued, heedless of Sorge's growing confusion. "What would you do if a lot of pixies were released in your classroom?"

"There are a few options I can think of," Sorge said, happy that they were on familiar territory. "My personal preference is using a wide area freezing charm."

"Can you demonstrate?" Asked the Headmaster.

Sorge nodded, drew his wand, and cast a perfect wide area freezing charm.

"Excellent!" Said Headmaster enthusiastically and again, crossed another item on his list. "You don't know what a useless professor we had for our second year. The only good thing he did was losing his memory."

Sorge knew about this one. In one of the magazines he usually read, a fellow in a series of articles had analyzed Lockheart's books and claimed that he was a fraud. Somewhere in those articles it had been mentioned that Lockheart had lost his memory the year he taught at Hogwarts. You didn't need to be a genius to understand who headmaster was referring to.

Headmaster walked back toward his desk and opened one of the drawers and pulled out a silver statue. He returned to Sorge and handed him the statue.

Even more confused, Sorge received the item and looked at it. It was a beautiful work of art. The statue was a unicorn, delicate and impossibly detailed, made of silver.

Headmaster stared at Sorge for a few minutes and then sighed in relief and returning to his list, crossed another item. After taking back the statue and putting it in its place, he explained to his guess. "You see, in my third year our DADA teacher was a werewolf. Bless his soul, he was the best DADA teacher we ever had, but his furry little problem almost killed my friends and me."

"I see..." Sorge said, amused with the way headmaster referred to lycanthropy. Furry little problem?

Headmaster briefly glanced at his parchment and looked closely at Sorge. "Tell me Mr. Sorge. Do you have any container full of any liquid? Something like a flask or viol."

"No sir." Sorge said. "Why?"

Drawing his wand, headmaster waved it in a complicated fashion and after a moment put it aside. After yet again crossing an item on his check list, he turn to Sorge.

"In my fourth year our DADA teacher was an imposter. The crazy moron almost killed me."

Sorge although confused, nodded.

"Tell me Mr. Sorge, how do you feel about the color pink?" Headmaster asked.

"Umm, I don't really have anything against the color, but I would never wear pink." Sorge said hesitantly.

Headmaster smiled and crossed an item again. "What about kittens? Would you keep plates with pictures of kittens on them?"

"Cats are ok, but no, I wouldn't." Sorge answered, beginning to doubt about the legendary headmaster's sanity.

While moving the quill again on the parchment, headmaster explained absentmindedly. "Umbridge was our DADA teacher in my fifth year. She was a nightmare."

Even though Sorge wasn't British and wasn't familiar with their politicians, he had heard a lot about Umbridge. She seemed a bitch to him.

"Finally, Mr. Sorge, can you walk around the office for me?" Headmaster asked.

Not even bothering to be confused, Sorge just did that.

"Good, good. Thanks Merlin, his robe doesn't blow behind him and he doesn't have greasy hair." Sorge heard headmaster mumbled to himself.

"Well," Said headmaster cheerfully. "Congratulation Professor Sorge. You are hired. I'll call a house elf to show you your quarter."

Sorge smiled and thanked the slightly crazy headmaster.

(Near the end of school year)

Harry was sitting behind his desk doing his paperwork when suddenly the door slammed opened and his herbology teacher, Neville Longbottom hurried in while levitating Sorge's bound form in front of him.

Headmaster lifted his head from his work and stared at his friend. After a few moments he sighed. "What happened this time?"

"We found him trying to kill a student. After interrogating him with truth serum, we found out that he is a fairy, and a spy for Mab, queen of fairies."

Harry put his head on his arms and groaned miserably. "Is it too much to ask for a DADA teacher that isn't a spy and a murdering psychopath?"

(40 years later)

Harry Potter was famous in the world as a legend. Wherever in the world a dark lord or lady appeared, the governments immediately called him and for a fee, he defeated him/her. But this great hero had a weakness. A weakness that was caused by serving as the headmaster of Hogwarts for thirty years and even after ten years, he still suffered from it. Whenever someone said " **DADA teacher** ", Harry Potter, the Man who won, the great hero, burst into tears. Draco Malfoy, the great ferret, used to utilize this dirty trick a lot to get our hero upset. But after becoming headmaster himself and serving for 21 years, the terrible two words had the same effect on him as well.


End file.
